Dear Elegant Lady,
Imagine walking into a beautifully planned family wedding, excited to reconnect with people you haven't seen in a while, and then boom—you receive the greeting of your life: "When are you having your first baby?" You look at the person, and you actually cannot even recall when you last spoke to them, let alone recall having the relationship that allows for both of you to discuss such intimate topics. How about this one: you find yourself blurting out a question that literally turns the atmosphere tense, and you instantly know that you crossed a boundary you were not supposed to. All you are left with is an embarrassing or awkward atmosphere to deal with.
Our blog post this month is titled "Questions That Elegant Women Are Cautious to Ask," cautious not because of fear, but because an elegant lady is considerate of others and shows the same level of kindness and respect to whomsoever she meets. There are a lot of questions that might seem like pure conversation starters to you but may be uncomfortable for others. I will come clean right away, with some I have found myself asking, and I had to learn the hard way. But we live and learn, right? And that is how we better ourselves daily. I took time to also ask a few of my friends and associates about their experiences, and our blog will highlight a lot of their responses. (Thank you, my ladies, for your time.)
The questions we will talk about are some of the most inappropriate. As a general rule, it is wise to steer clear of these questions until you have established a solid relationship that allows for that type of conversation without awkwardness. Please, before you come at me, my elegant ladies, your wise judgment and application will be needed when dealing with each type of question we will discuss here. As much as some of the questions may be comfortable for some types of relationships, I must say, in other mature relationships, it is wise to wait for the actual owner of the news to tell you rather than assuming it’s okay. This shows sincere respect for one’s boundaries, as we grow older, so do our preferences in dealing with life and life situations. As we discuss the following, remember that the goal is to create an environment of respect and love toward one another. One of my friends raised such a profound question during my interviews on this topic: "Why do you have to ask anyway? Is it because you are nosy, or do you genuinely care?" I found it so profound and interesting because sometimes we ask simply because we are curious (we’ve all been there at one point, so no pointing fingers here 😊). And because of that, we are blind to the effect the question might have on the other person. One of my ladies responded to this very question in a rather interesting way. She said that sometimes we ask questions so we can decide how to value a person going forward. This was such an interesting topic to research. But let’s get right into it.
Age-Related Questions
Age is more sensitive for women than for men because it is believed that with age comes diminishing beauty, fertility, and even desirability, which can easily invoke a feeling of insecurity. So, often when you hear such a question (especially coming from a man), it feels like that’s what he is insinuating.
"How old are you?"
"How old is your husband?"
"What is your age difference?"
"How old are you turning?"
As innocent as these questions may seem to you, to some, they are a bit too personal. There is a saying, "You do not ask a lady how old she is," and we like to use it mostly on men to get their age. I personally feel it’s a hypocritical move, my ladies. If you are going to engage in a conversation to get to know someone better, be sure to ask questions that you will be comfortable responding to if someone asks you the same thing. If you feel you wouldn’t be comfortable with that, steer clear of the question and find your answer through other means. I got very intrigued by this and had to approach a few of my male associates to get a bit of an idea of their thought pattern on this type of question. I was thrown aback when I realized that some men are not so comfortable with sharing their age either. It’s no secret that men are expected to have achieved some level of success at particular ages of their lives, so some of the reasons are based on being gauged on their financial worth, achievements, and so on.
Relationship-Related Questions
"When are you getting married?"
"Are you still together?"
"Why are you still single?"
"Are you in a relationship?"
One of my ladies narrated a story to me about a colleague who loosely asked one of her colleagues why she hadn’t seen her boyfriend in a while, despite the fact that they had no relationship whatsoever and she was just an observer of their relationship. This type of question can never be an icebreaker for starting a new friendship. Any question related to relationships requires some sort of a solid relationship before you can ask those around you. If you don’t have some sort of relationship with someone that permits the conversation, don’t ask. It would be wiser if they engage you in the topic. Going back to my story, the lady's partner had unfortunately passed away, hence his sudden absence. Google has this to say about asking about relationship statuses: "Generally, asking someone about their relationship status is pretty rude. You may have the best intentions on asking about that ex or inquiring about whether or not someone has tried Tinder/OK Cupid/joining a church group to meet someone new, but it is only going to make the single person uncomfortable."
On that note, my elegant ladies, remember that you cannot stop people from asking whatever they want or acting the way they like. When asked such a question that feels uncomfortable and uncalled for, deny yourself the urge to be disrespectful. Instead, respond calmly by saying, "I will advise when things change," or anything else that does not require you to explain yourself further. By the way, my single elegant ladies, it’s a whole different situation if a single man you are on a date with asks you if you are single. (Winks)
Are You Pregnant?
I will give you a short story time with my experience on this one. There was an amazing lady I used to work with who had a health issue that made her appear pregnant, and one lady approached her in a very sweet and excited way, "When are you expecting?" Oh my goodness, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life when she told me she was not pregnant. Trust me, it was not in the nicest tone, and I deserved it. From that day, I decided to make a personal development goal that I constantly review, and this is the lesson I pass on to you today: if you are not told, be patient and wait to be told. Going back to the general safety rule, if the relationship does not permit such a conversation, it’s always good to steer clear and show respect. It doesn’t matter, even if the elephant is neon pink and it glows in the dark—refrain from asking. If they want you to know, they will tell you. And if you are not being told, it’s not that they don’t want you to know—it simply means they are keeping it on the low.
There are so many underlying issues related to this question. What if the person has a health issue, like in my experience, or they have gained weight and all the fat has decided to fall in love with the belly? By highlighting and blurting such a question, you can easily shift someone from having an awesome day to a terrible one. Sometimes a person is pregnant and simply wants to keep it on the low for whatever reason (it’s really got nothing to do with you). My dear ladies, as a bonus: the act of touching a person’s belly—if you’re pretty close to them, be sure to get consent to make sure they are comfortable with it.
Questions About Emotional State
In a season where we are actively being taught about mental health issues like stress, anxiety, and depression, we are quickly shifting toward the realisation that it is important to check on those around us (which is such a great thing). One of the issues that came up strongly was how the questions were asked. "Are you depressed?" More often than not, when a person is going through a low season in their life, asking them directly if they are depressed might not result in an answer that will open a door for you to assist them. One thing common about mental health issues is that they change a person's normal behavior. Though I must say, it takes a person who is observant to pick it up, especially for someone who tries very hard to hide it. The best approach is to reiterate that you care about them, verbally through questions like, "Have you been eating or sleeping lately?" "Do you need to talk about anything?"—and through actions, rather than reiterating the question, "Are you depressed?" more often. The first approach makes them feel loved and realize that someone cares.
Money-Related Questions
"How much is your salary?"
"How much does your husband make?"
"How much rent do you pay?"
"How much did that bag cost?"
In our African culture, we use money (and then livestock) to value/gauge people. I feel this is one of the worst. Let us openly discuss financial intelligence topics, but any topic that carries a person’s identity or transaction might make someone feel like you are prying to get to know what someone is worth so that you can decide how to value them in the future. There are people who are very eager to express their financials, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, if you engage in a conversation and probe further than they have told you, when they start asking about your financial situation, please do not be hypocritical by not responding, as you would have opened that line of conversation in that relationship.
Sometimes the questions about money do not come directly. Sometimes they come as, "How much is your bond/rent?" "How much is that bag for?" and this is common for parents, I’m told, "How much are their fees?" Before you misquote me, as close friends, it might feel right depending on the conversation. But as a random question or in a random relationship, be cautious.
Weight-Related Questions
Nobody wants to hear that they have gained weight unless they have been actively working on gaining weight. I have been personally working on balancing my BMI, and it required that I gain about 3-5kgs. Unfortunately, with my loss of appetite, I struggled. My weight gain journey became a daily song to my friends and family, so when I finally did gain weight, they raved about it, and it made me feel extremely good. My kryptonite question, however, has always been, "Have you lost weight?" It really hit me hard because I desperately needed to gain weight. However, for some, the worst question would be, "Have you gained weight?" Weight issues are very sensitive because each woman’s journey is different. Our bodies change as we grow older and have kids. Let us be sensitive and kind to one another.
These are just a few questions I thought to discuss today, but I believe there are more out there. I hope this blog helps you deal with the awkward situations that some of these questions create, and I hope it also makes us conscious as we interact with our loved ones. We would love to hear your experiences too, so use the comment section to share your thoughts.
Much Love,
Lady Fortunate
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